Biodiesel motorcycle for sale on eBay.

My birthday's coming up.*


*Eventually

Dr. Isaac Berzin, a rocket scientist at MIT, has come up with a plan to use algae to clean up coal-burning power-plant emissions. The smoke stacks will be lined with algae, and the algae sucks up 40% of the carbon dioxide. Bonus point: The algae can be harvested and processed first into biodiesel, and then into ethanol. It's been estimated that 15,000 miles of algae farm would provide nearly enough biodiesel to replace the nation's current diesel requirements. Stick that in you pipe and smoke it, fuckers.

It's guys like this that let me believe that we will survive as a race until that glorious day when benevolent machine minds take over the reigns of humanity.


(Until then, "Look, this war with Brazil isn't about freedom, its about algae, pure and simple. NO BLOOD FOR ALGAE")

Warning: Will Only Be Funny To Wayne


'twas last Christmas that the different shops at work undertook a door decorating contest, the door to my shop was adorned with a Santa-hat wearing Chuck Norris aboard a sleigh being pulled by ligers. I was told there was a bit of a Chuck Norris fixation behind those doors. Not quite so simple.

The question is, who's the biggest bad-ass? The contestants: Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and the dark horse candidate, Vin Diesel. So it goes-


Conception

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Vin Diesel, as a fetus, survived 13 abortion attempts. He came out of the womb with the umbical cord that would eventually kill the doctor.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.


Childhood

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.


The Men Behind The Legends.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.


Pre-History

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.


Biblical Times

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas.


Modern History

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus....all caucasian people moved to the back.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.


Contributions To Science

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Vin Diesel invented calculus. Isaac Newton and Godfried von Liebniz are the names of his testicles.


Contributions To Society

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.


Lightning Round

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.


There's more out there floating out there on the internet for those of you who want more. I'm not going to provide any links; I'm not your fucking bitch.


Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.

Hey! Have you dropped by www.electricdanish.com lately?

Yeah. You just can't go home again.

In other news, apparently Santino won $1,000,000.

Haven't talked to that guy in a while.

You know why you scar?


It's the universe's way of reminding you that you haven't been as wise as you could've been.


And that maybe you'd better get your shit straight.



Because otherwise your life is going to suck.

*if anyone's got bandaids and neosporin in the augusta area, i'd appreciate you dropping by.

Happy Birthday Wayne Trogdor, wherever you are.

Happy Birthday Wayne, wherever you are.

New Year's Resolution #5 would be "Stop Wasting Your Life Away Dipping Your Sushi Into The Soy Sauce." Now for the paltry sum of eighteen-ish dollars (counting on a strong yen) I can dispense my soy sauce directly from my hashi. Get yours here.

Well, time for the obligatory New Year's Resolutions (!).

1. Stop Drinking Because You're Bored- However, continue drinking to make problems go away, that totally works.

2. Chase More Tail- This would more accurately be titled "Start chasing tail" since, you know, you don't. But anyway, get on that. It'll be good for you.

3. Get Back On Track With The Whole Exercising Thing- You've been living it up these last couple of months, and it's starting to show. Like during the play-drink-eat-repeat thing you had going there in them halcyon days of 2002-2003. Those were doughy times.

4. Stop Losing Hair- Seriously, cut that shit out.