Warning: Will Only Be Funny To Wayne
'twas last Christmas that the different shops at work undertook a door decorating contest, the door to my shop was adorned with a Santa-hat wearing Chuck Norris aboard a sleigh being pulled by ligers. I was told there was a bit of a Chuck Norris fixation behind those doors. Not quite so simple.
The question is, who's the biggest bad-ass? The contestants: Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and the dark horse candidate, Vin Diesel. So it goes-
Conception
It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.
Vin Diesel, as a fetus, survived 13 abortion attempts. He came out of the womb with the umbical cord that would eventually kill the doctor.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.
Childhood
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
The Men Behind The Legends.
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
Pre-History
The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
Biblical Times
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas.
Modern History
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus....all caucasian people moved to the back.
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
Contributions To Science
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Vin Diesel invented calculus. Isaac Newton and Godfried von Liebniz are the names of his testicles.
Contributions To Society
When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Lightning Round
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.
There's more out there floating out there on the internet for those of you who want more. I'm not going to provide any links; I'm not your fucking bitch.
Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.
'twas last Christmas that the different shops at work undertook a door decorating contest, the door to my shop was adorned with a Santa-hat wearing Chuck Norris aboard a sleigh being pulled by ligers. I was told there was a bit of a Chuck Norris fixation behind those doors. Not quite so simple.
The question is, who's the biggest bad-ass? The contestants: Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and the dark horse candidate, Vin Diesel. So it goes-
Conception
It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.
Vin Diesel, as a fetus, survived 13 abortion attempts. He came out of the womb with the umbical cord that would eventually kill the doctor.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.
Childhood
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
The Men Behind The Legends.
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
Pre-History
The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
Biblical Times
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas.
Modern History
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus....all caucasian people moved to the back.
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
Contributions To Science
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Vin Diesel invented calculus. Isaac Newton and Godfried von Liebniz are the names of his testicles.
Contributions To Society
When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Lightning Round
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.
There's more out there floating out there on the internet for those of you who want more. I'm not going to provide any links; I'm not your fucking bitch.
Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.
posted by J-Syn at 5:02 PM
1 Comments:
That kicks so much ass! That kicks more ass than Chuck Nora;lsdkjdsfiks;vaaaaas
No one kicks more ass than Chuck Norris.
-Chuck
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