I can only imagine that the kind folk at Super Soaker have lived lives of purity and innocence, because I know I'm not the only one who sees something wrong with this.

Super Soaker Oozinator.

And you can click here if you need some more audio-visual aid grokking what the rest of the world is seeing.

As of today I am CPR certified. To wit:

"The victim is unresponsive, what do you do?"

"Tell any bystanders to call 911 and to bring an AED (where applicable). Then check for breathing and circulation."

"There are no signs of breathing or circulation, now what?"

"I scream out, 'Resusci-Anne, NOOOOO!!!' and then I beg God to take me instead."*

"After that?"

"I begin CPR, 15 compressions followed by two rescue breaths."

"Excellent."


Your tax-dollars at work.


*Also would have accepted "Goddamn, you bitch, you never backed down from anything in your life! Now fight! Fight! Fight!" while slapping Resusci-Anne every time "fight" is said.

My dad is nearing retirement age, and being a sailor at heart he is increasingly looking towards the sea as the venue for playing out his golden years- buy a boat, pour yourself a vodka-seven, crank that bitch into the sunset and just cruise. I figure he'll cruise right into reef or fall asleep with the stove on and burn the thing down to the waterline, but fuck it- what are we working for anyway? And if folly on the high-seas doesn't get him his heart and liver have their tickets in hand, might as well go out with style.

I've personally never understood the whole boating mystique, they're just floating RVs in my eyes, but I came across this today and it has a certain appeal.

The Phoenix 1000 is a 65-meter (213') personal luxury submarine. The initial design was originally executed for a client and now awaits a buyer. As proposed, the submarine would constitute the single largest private undersea vehicle ever built, and arguably, one of the most significant personal transportation devices of the century.

A wee bit pricey at $78 million, and it can't be cheap to run but hear me out- Submarine Pirates. High adventure in the sub-aquatic stomps the shit out of a retirement home, at least it does in MY book. So what do you say?

Who wants to be part of my swarthy rag-tag pirate crew?